Saturday, January 23, 2010

our life is one giant comedy of errors

The children went to bed almost three hours past their bed time last night.

Because .... we were planning to go to Costco.

But first, we had to go to the Post Office to mail off several packages (including three boxes of Joe-Joe's to Jenny, Maija and Jody - they're on their way!) that had been sitting around for two weeks and ABSOLUTELY had to be mailed out yesterday. And in the midst of standing in line, we realized that the children had basketball.

In five minutes.

Ten minutes across town.

So we finished up at the Post Office and bolted to basketball, arriving twenty minutes late.

On the way, there was much "discussion" about how awful it is that we can't keep anything straight. It's like we're living in a total fog. Sure, we've got things written on calendars in bright colored markers - but we need to set alarms on our phones and computers and maybe even consider paying a service that will call us with the gentle reminder, "Hi, before you leave the house today, you might want to make sure you're wearing pants."

Charlie goes in to basketball with the triplets - and because it was dumping rain and there was only twenty minutes left of class - I stayed in the car with Henry.

As I was fishing around for a book to read him, I noticed my cell phone was in my pocket.

I pull it out and see that for the past 10 minutes and 22 seconds, I've been on a call. But I haven't really been on a call. Just my phone has. And for that entire span of time that Charlie and I were having a "discussion" our "chat" was being recorded on one of my consultant's voicemails, which happened to be the last number dialed.


That should be fun come Monday morning. I'll probably get a concerned call. "Jenna? Did you leave a message on Friday night? Are you upset with us? Did you rant for ten minutes about how frustrated you are that we are always late for things? I'm terribly sorry. I thought things were going well. Do you have any suggestions for our improvement?"

Yes. Yes I do. I'd appreciate it if you would call me 30 minutes before any event and REMIND me that we need to be somewhere. What? You don't think it's part of your job responsibility to tell me that our five-year-olds have BASKETBALL on Friday night?

Well, you better think again.

Once Charlie and the kids emerge from basketball, we go to Costco. As soon as we arrive, we place an order for pizza because by this point, it's too late to cook anything at home. But since it's a rainy Friday night - the wait for our pizza is an hour.

We complete our shopping in 20 minutes and then for the next 40 minutes, we roam the aisles, trying to block out Henry who has started yelling, "But MOMMMMM!" for no apparent reason at all. Someone has to go potty. I take them. Ten minutes later, they have to go again. But this time, they loudly declare that NOW they have to go poop. So we go back to the restroom. Once they finish up their business, they look in the potty and announce, "Wow. Check that out! It looks like a BIG carrot!"

These kids are incredible. I mean for such little people, it continually amazes me, the uh, size of their output. Charlie and I have actually called each other in to the bathroom to stare in wonder at how someone so SMALL can put out something so BIG. My husband has shaken his head in disbelief and said, "We're grown adults and I don't think we could accomplish that."

The hour is finally up. We fetch our pizza and opt to eat it there. But we have no drinks. Or no extra cash. So Charlie tracks down an ATM while I settle the kids in. Everyone has a plate with one slice of pizza, that I sliced in half. Two of them promptly drop their slices on the floor.

Charlie returns with bottles of water. Children take sips of water and inevitably, water is spilled all over them, the table and bench seats. I'm making sure the pizza box isn't flung to the floor, or saturated, and Charlie jumps up to grab napkins. In doing so, he flips Henry's pizza out of his hands. Which also lands on the floor.

Henry cries out, "But DADDDDDDD!"

My husband stops. Slowly turns and looks at me.

"Jen. Please. Can we just go home, go to sleep and start this day again, tomorrow?"

We both agree. We pack up all of our children - pick up pizza off the floor - dispose of trash - and walk to the exit at Costco only to see that the heavens have opened and both rain and hail are pelting sideways.

So we wait until the storm passes.

And wait.

And wait.

Once home, we get the kids in their pajamas, brush their teeth and give everyone strict instructions that tomorrow, they are to sleep in until daddy and mommy are awake, dressed and breakfast is on the table.

Of course they don't listen.

Even though we put the triplets on the potty again before we went to bed last night, before the light of day has broken the horizon, we are awoken first by one child who wet the bed and felt compelled to turn on every light within 20 feet of their room while crying, "I'm WET!! I AM WET!" No surprise, that woke up Henry who came in to our bed and kicked us silly for the next hour. The sky is still dark, when I sense a third child in the bathroom. I hear a funny noise. What is that?

Running water? Dripping water? Rushing water?

I fly out of bed and down the hall where I see the river flowing towards me.

In the bathroom our child standing with a toilet brush and jabbing at a mass of toilet paper that is now flowing up and over the rim along with a good five gallons of water that are all over the floor. Am I dreaming? Is this a bad dream?

Before I can fully differentiate real from not, my child explains, "But MOMMMM! It was like there were two huge carrots."

Then they frowned, "Maybe the potty doesn't like carrots either?"


  1. Good thing you like comedies.


  2. Ooooohhh Jen - did all this really happen?! You and Charlie are GREAT! The sun is shining today so get out there and enjoy it.

  3. *laughs hysterically* I have nothing else to add. LOL

  4. I have whole weeks like that. At some point you have to decide to laugh or cry. I try to laugh more than not.

  5. I hate to laugh at this because I know it wasn't funny yesterday, but it really is today:)

  6. OMG. Too hysterical. Austin has poop that would rival a giant. That child is so foul that he can literally stink up the whole house.

  7. I am sorry to say that my son is 18 and has taken to giving us updates about his poop - only because he knows it drives me crazy. Last week, in the van after a wrestling match, he nudges his team mate and says "listen to me, I'm gonna send my mom over the edge....I HAVEN'T POOPED IN THREE DAYS!! the first thing I'm gonna do at home is poop in my sister's bathroom and stink it up."
    So there may be no light at the end of the tunnel regarding bathroom announcements.

    I'm really sorry to drain you of any hope you may have had....

    Hope you all are safe during the rain and flooding out there.

  8. I laugh, because it was your day. When that's my day, well, the bottle of Baileys my mother-in-law gave me for my birthday comes in handy.

    No one tells you that after diapers comes cleaning clogs out of the toilet. Lots of clogs. Lots of toilets.

  9. I am relieved to know I am not the only one wanting a "do-over" due to a series of unfortunate events. Although not quite to your degree since I have only one child and 2 dogs at present. Here's hoping tomorrow is better. [And check for pants and shoes before you walk out the door, m'kay? :)]

  10. Yay! jojo's! Even though I don't know what they are!!! haha.

    So, if you mailed it today from CA, then it should take about ten days to get here. Five days to ride on the barge to ANC, then two days to fly up to Kotz on the big jet. Then two days to go by dogteam from the airport to our igloo, then another day for me to figure out what they are. :)

    (J/K! I'll look forward to them soon!)

  11. Hilarious! Although I'm certain it wasn't as it was happening.

    Be sure to let us know what your employee had to say about your voice message : )

  12. I just wanted to say thank you so much for the sweet comment you left on my blog regarding the situation with my daughter's pictures being stolen.

    Of course I had been remembering the incident where your santa photo was stolen, and then to hear about the person who stole your birth story...i am so sorry. ugh.

    i am glad that you have continued to blog in a public way. it has enhanced my mothering to read others' blogs- i have actually learned a lot from it, and it has also made me feel much less isolated as a sahm.

    you having the courage to continue has been inspiring for me. i will be blogging "differently" from now on- but i feel i can still do it authentically and still be part of the blogging community (not compromising the reason I blog)- while being less "open" about some things. not sure if that makes sense...

    but anyway, that was a long way of saying thank you.


  13. Thanks for the laugh!!!!
    So we've settled on sending our teen to our community pool house bathroom to do his business. There are commercial toilets in there. We tried making him eat a prune a day. He didn't go for it.

    Google calendar has a cool feature. You can set it up to text and e-mail you reminders. An added bonus is that you can share other people's calendars so I can post things on the family calendar (and my husband will get a text too). Set up my own calendar for my work/hair appts (so that my husband won't get a text) or I can download my school's google calendar off the PUSD website so that I know when school is out which I would have added on the calendar myself, but don't have to thanks to someone else's effort.

    It's pretty awesome....

  14. I found my self at the laundromat (dryer is DOA) in the bathroom with a child who had pooped her pants. Found her trying to resolve the issue herself in a public place. Anyhow my husband had taken the car and I had NOTHING but some paper towels. No clothes, not even the trash can was available. I had to lock myself in the bathroom and hope my husband got back soon enough to get us some clothes. Thank heavens for CELL PHONES!

    BTW I made my first batch of Oh Henry bars. You are NOT my friend is all I got to say. OH.MY.

  15. Who wet the bed? Which of your child wets the most. I need help from you and other moms on how to deal with my kid!